January 24, 2018, 8:35am

It’s early for me to be awake. I had hoped to get more sleep but a noise woke me early, (before 8!) and I couldn’t get back to sleep. I’m grumpy. Maybe more half-caff will help, but for the moment I’m not in the mood to feel better. Grrrrrrrrr!

I hate cleaning house, but I hate a dirty house more. I put off cleaning, but if someone is coming over that spurrs me to get the basics done. A gross, smelly kitchen is the worst or a dirty bathroom, but I don’t tend to let those go. I do not think I’m a massive germophobe but I’m very careful about cross contamination, and anything that goes in your mouth, like a toothbrush. Floors and dusting are what i put off the most.

I have no idea why I’m talking about this.

Since I was in my mid-20’s I’ve been aware that getting enough quality sleep has been a problem for me. It was a massive problem when the kids were little. I worried a lot and took benadryl chronically for years, so I could sleep. I think it did some subtle but long-term damage. (Do you know that Prozac was discovered while scientists were working with benadryl?) I have a prescription for lorazepam now and that definitely does the job but it’s addictive so I won’t use it too often except in special circumstances, like on vacation, when I am staying in hotels and I know there’s no way I’m going to sleep without drugs.

Enough rambling for now. Sorry, it’s all negative. It’s interesting how a person like me, with so much privilege and advantage and virtually nothing to worry about can feel so sorry for herself. I should be ashamed, but right now I’m too grumpy to even feel ashamed.

Author: fresh aire

I am incredibly lucky, blessed, and fortunate. I honestly do not know why I am so lucky. I have the best two children a parent could wish for, a wonderful step-son, a bunch of great friends, and siblings and a wonderful partner. I live in a gorgeous region, in an energy-efficient home, both of which have been dreams for me. Many of my life dreams have come true. How is that possible??? As far as I can tell I've screwed up A LOT in my life. Many, many years were spent in excruciating pain, depression, anxiety, shame, guilt, .. you name it. I spent years doing really crazy things trying to run away from myself and the pain and only making it worse. I refused to listen to wise advice - really, I was incapable of listening to or following almost any advice. I did not see opportunities when they were presented to me on silver platters. How I got "here" from "there" is a mystery I am sure I'll never solve. Maybe blogging a little will help me find some enlightenment. For now, I'm just incredibly grateful.

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